Zombie Shame Parade

So this is the tale of the Zombie Shame Parade, and how it came into existence. It was prompted by my allusion to a dark and terrible secret in a comment to Cat and to which she replied OMG SPILL IT EMAIL ME NAO PLZ. It is a series of 8 emails that took place between she and I over the course of 3 days, in which I make an embarrassing confession and hilarity then ensued.

What follows are the aforementioned emails (slightly edited, and with permission from my Parade partner) so that you may henceforth understand the concept of the Zombie Shame Parade and its meaning: a fascination with something both inexplicable and soul-destroying in an attempt to understand and quantify it, despite knowing that the attempt and subsequent study of said subject will sacrifice many a brain cell in the process.

(my emails are in purple, hers are in orange...oh, and uh, spoilers all over the damn place)


EMBRACING THE INNER ZOMBIE, A THESIS


me:

OH GOD SEND HELP I AM POSSIBLY IN A VERY DARK PLACE RIGHT NOW.

So...I'm just going come right out and confess:

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I HAVE BEEN READING TWILIGHT.

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The words, they are English, but I do not understand their meaning. I...I don't even know how it happened, really. IT'S LIKE THE MOVIE WAS A ZOMBIE THAT ATE MY BRAIN OR SOMETHING. Because I was so tickled after my review of it, and with how freakishly cracktastic the movie was -- and also, possibly, bored -- that I downloaded THE ENTIRE SERIES INCLUDING THE MIDNIGHT SUN LEAKED CHAPTERS WHUT.

Curiosity doesn't just kill cats, it kills brain cells, too. All this time I've been cracking the hell up at the fandom and read cleolinda's recaps, never once have I had the slightest desire to read the books themselves. I WAS IMMUNE GODDAMMIT.

I have been reading them surreptitiously since Saturday night. I just -- JUST -- finished Breaking Dawn about two hours ago. WHAT THE HELL WHAT THE HELL WHAT THE HELL. (They aren't as bad as I thought they'd be, mainly because I was already so thoroughly spoiled for just how bad they are, but woe the Mary Sue-ness and stultiflying clunkiness in places and the PLOT WHAT PLOT and oh the characterizations woe they hurt me, but also there were parts that actually cracked me up -- intentionally and otherwise -- and there are other parts that fill me with rage omg the horror but mostly I do not understand what is compelling me to do this WHAT THE HELL WHAT THE HELL WHAT THE HELL.)

Oh, my secret shame. You now own my soul with this knowledge.


cat:

*giddy*

You know what? YOU KNOW WHAT?? I almost emailed you and wrote "What? Did you start reading Twilight or something?!"

MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAA!!!

Listen, there is no judgment here. Because as much joy as you've gotten out of the Twicaps from Cleolinda and the movie --dude, of COURSE you had to read the source material at some point!

I just can't believe you blitzed through them so goddamn fast! Not that they're hard reading; I remember sucking them down like the tufts of sugary air they are!!! THAT IS SO AWESOME! And seriously, if I had the time or capacity, I think I would have re-read them after the movie, too, just to remember WTF about every other scene.

I AM SO GLAD YOU READ THEM WELCOME TO THE CLUB OF CRAZYPANTSNESS!!!

(Resistance was futile, dahleeng!)


me:

Oh man. My secret zombie shame, it is killing me. In the back of my mind, I hear an accusatory voice, like I'm some kind of leper: "Unclean! UNCLEEEEAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNN!"

But oh god, yes! Resistance is futile! They are sugary puffs of air, indeed. Cotton candy, that's what they are. Cotton CRACK candy. I just cannot figure out why they have taken over my brain enough to make me sit through them all -- I spend my time alternating between boredom, frustration, hilarity, and outright horror. TRULY SMEYERS HAS MADE SOME KIND OF PACT WITH THE DEVIL.

Yeah, I'm kind of freaked by how fast I blitzed through them, too. I mean, I'm a super fast reader anyway, and they're deceptive in size -- the page counts are high, but the majority of all of them are single-sentence paragraphs. But still, since I ostensibly do have a job and other responsibilities (including a website business, and this is the time when I actually do that work), it's rather appalling that I've spent so much time on this. Why???????? Why not on reading any of the other NOT CRACKTASTIC books on my To Read pile, or writing my own book???? (In the back of my mind, there's been a tiny voice telling me that if I just hurry up and get them over with, I can get them out of my system and move on to far more satisfying pursuits.) OH THE SHAME.

The thing is, I don't even like them, really. Again, not as bad as I thought, and there's so much potential there that it just kills me at what could've been, and for all the shit that SMeyers has gotten over this series, you're right that she can sort-of write. (Although if I had a dime for every "chagrin", "chuckle", and "whisper", I would be Bill fucking Gates because goddamn...it's called a thesaurus, Stephenie, look into it.) The stuff that was clunky/stultifying needed more editorial finesse, but I can see that there's at least enough for something to work with. In and of themselves, they're a bearable read, nothing to write home about, nothing to throw across the room in disgust (WITH SOME NOTABLE EXCEPTIONS).

But then there was the stuff that triggered nothing but blind raaaage, and the characters who make me want to pound my head against a wall, and nevermind the kinds of themes that make me concerned that these books are being lauded for so many impressionable young women without any guidance about self-esteem and relationships.... And yet for all of that, I kept reading. A PACT WITH THE DEVIL I TELL YOU. (unclean, uncleeeeeeaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnn)

Thank you for not judging. I knew you would understand. And I suppose if I had to get sucked into THE CLUB OF CRAZYPANTSNESS, I'm glad to be in such wonderful (hilarious, conspiratorial) company.

cat:

Dude. Dude. DUDE!!!!

I can not... I mean. I am almost sputter. I OMG. Just. Yeah. THAT.

ALL OF THAT!!!!!

First of all, the whole UNCLEAAAAAAAAAN thing nearly unseated me with hysterical laughter. Because, DAMN.

And yes! YES YES! YES to like everything you wrote to like xinfinity+57 or something.

But that's the freakiest thing about these books. I totally don't have any interest in Edward. Edward is a giant sucking YAWN to me! And I think Bella's entertaining when she falls down and is irritable. But ...I couldn't stop reading. How do you get hooked on the romantic vampire crap book without thinking the lead vamp is smoking hot? Because who wants to frot against a marble statue? How was that appealing to anyone?? And I read them even faster than I normally read crap books and omg. I just... you finish one and think, "Huh. That could have been cool but wtf about this that and those because totally stupid and lame?" And then you're like "OOO NEXT BOOK MUST INHALE!"

And also the blind rage and wanting of head pounding! YES! OMG JACOB STFU AND YOU'RE A FUCKING RAPIST OMG HOW WAS THAT REMOTELY OKAY?? ANY OF THAT BECAUSE OMG!

And yes, all these young girls who read it and aren't having the "Huh, this is totally stupid. But I'm reading it because of the ADDICTION" They think, "SWOONY SWOONY SWOONY I WANT MY OWN CREEPY STALKER WATCHES ME SLEEP VAMPIRE SPARKLY LUUUUUUUURVE" And don't even let's get started on the TwiMoms!!

Also, your theory of quickreading to get over with is also how I approach a pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream.

There is no judgment here. Only sparkling affection. *grin*

I just wish I could have been a forceful editor on those books. But then, they probably wouldn't have swept the nation with its total insanity. Which I have rather enjoyed. I'm absurdly fond of popcultural fanatacism!


me:

EDWARD ::HEADDESK::.Okay, Edward. First, yes to everything you said. KISSING COLD HARD STONE IS NEVER GOING TO BE SEXY NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU TELL US IT IS. (Sidenote: I would've wondered about the vampire genitalia of the Twiverse even if I hadn't read FandomWank and cleolinda but seriously. SRSLY. It's like she practically dares you to say out loud what you know everyone's thinking when they read as Bella and Edward get increasingly frisky, nevermind The Honeymoon.) I get the attraction he holds for so many female readers. And because of that, I get why these books are the subject of such obsessive fangurling. SMeyers hit onto that tried-and-true trope of the The Man Who Sees Our Specialness Above All Others And Literally Cannot Live Without Us. He does nothing for me, either, but I do get how it could be appealing, especially to teenage girls, the years of maximum insecurity and low self-esteem combined with an explosion of interest in the opposite sex (in the case of straight teenage girls, obvs). He molds himself completely to her life and to her every thought and interest and happiness (albeit in a creepy and unhealthy way) and I think there's probably quite a bit of appeal in that to girls who are trying to figure out the completely baffling male gender and negotiate the minefield of their sexual awakening. And so many women unfortunately never grow out of that, so I think that goes a long way toward explaining the appeal to the TwiMoms (OH GOD I HAVE READ THE BOOKS THAT IS THE OBJECT OF DESIRE OF THE TWIMOMS UNCLEEEAAAANNNNN). For those of us with an emotional maturity greater than, say, 14 years old, and with actual relationship experience with men who aren't possessive stalkerish creeps? Yeah, Edward holds no appeal whatsoever. (Also, I think some of his appeal is of the guy who will swoop in and take care of everything, and cater to your every need and desire. I admit that that tired old trope has some appeal even to me, Miss Independent I'll Take Care Of Myself Thankyouverymuch.)

JACOB ::SMASH:: Jacob, fucking Jacob. Again: everything you said times ten billion billion. Yes yes yes. He's cool and funny, but I hated that he kept going back to Bella for more rejection and then that he was not getting the message, and THEN THE EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION AND THEN THE ASSAULT SERIOUSLY THAT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE FLAMES LICKING THE SIDE OF MY FACE. Okay, so I lied before that these books didn't make me want to throw them across the room because had that book not been in electronic form? I would've thrown it across the room and then set it on fire for good measure. There was no redeeming him after that, even though he was often the one voice of reason and normality through the Cascade of Fail that continued from then on. Because in the back of my mind ASSAULT ASSAULT ASSAULT. I don't care what reason she retconned to justify his behavior (bonding with his victim's daughter like an arranged marriage only worse omg so wrong), doesn't change the fact of his behavior.

BELLA ::FACEPALM:: Okay, so she's a Mary Sue, but not as bad as I'd feared she'd be. She does have some hint of personality, and from time to time, some sense of agency. She's still a complete cypher and actually, I think that's the other big key of these books' success, because what little definition she has as a character is so completely Generic Misunderstood Teenage Girl #324 that a majority of girls reading these books can see themselves in her and thus, relate to her. She's a mannequin with the same basic features they have, that they can then mold to their own particulars. The second book in particular is where this really jumped out at me, because as much as that was sheer torture to read through all her woobie-ing about the breakup with Edward, I have to say, SMeyers completely captured every major teenage breakup (from a girls' perspective) ever in the history of the world. That was almost painfully too close to home for me, I completely, completely remember that same kind of stuff from my big teenage breakup in high school when it really did seem like my life was over. So to have that validated, that this One True Epic Love really was as devastating as it would've felt for a teenage girl in her own life? Yeah, it's no wonder. (And god, who didn't want the fantasy that the guy was really as devastated as you were, and just as broken up inside, and that you would be reunited and realize you simply could not exist without each other and so you stay together forever the end.)

So the mystery of the books' attraction to thousands of screaming teenage girls is solved. I think the mystery of the TwiMoms is solved, considering the type of woman that appears to be a TwiMom. It's like a Venn diagram of Female Insecurity, and SMeyers is making bank on it. She's not the first, so you know whatever. What hasn't been solved is why oh dear god why relatively normal and secure women who value their self-worth such as yourself and myself have had our brains eaten by the Twilight Zombie. THIS PROVES MY THEORY THAT THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS IS SOMEHOW INVOLVED.

SECRET ZOMBIE SHAME OH WILL I EVER BE ABLE TO SHOW MY FACE AGAIN.


cat:

SMEYER REDFINES THE HARD-ON! Edward was just a world of ick for me. And I just found him too ridiculous and whatever to ever get swoony about him--but your explanation makes MUCH sense (unlike the damn books).

The breakup though? No kidding. College times. Worst breakup to date. Never thought I'd recover. Maybe still haven't. BUT FOR SERIOUS. If only [ex-boyfriend] were still wandering around planning on exploding himself in a Venetian plaza, I would be so content.

And Jacob --YES. HELL TO THE YES. I mean, I don't care how much sense he talked. I was SO TIRED OF HIM. There's one thing to make a strong case for yourself. BUT HE ASSAULTED HER. And I was SO SO MAD AT BELLA FOR OMG THIS ENTIRE PARAGRAPH IS GOING TO BE CAPSLOCKED BECAUSE SHE GOES BACK AND BASICALLY SAYS OH YEAH I SORT OF WANTED IT TOO. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH *SPLODE*

And I'll say that though we're reading it--we're reading it with a healthy dose of WTF?!?!? vs "oooh dreamycakes!' like SOME PEOPLE.

I also have two more, less shouty (so far) comments:

1. I think your note on Bella being EveryGirl is very apt. I remember reading somewhere that that was the appeal of Harry Potter. He didn't have anything special about him except that he was a nice loyal kid (MARKED FOR DEATH, TRUE). He didn't have Hermione's skills or Ron's information. But he was sort of randomly and effortlessly brilliant at Quidditch, sure. But that just sort of was ...without any effort. And any kid could easily slot themselves into his role of nice kid with good friends who help him, but he doesn't initially show himself to be a hardworking scholar or do anything at first that earns him skills.

2. Again, on Potter, Terry Pratchett once said (not at all unkindly) that the reason the Potter books EXPLODED was a combination of a good story, true, but also timing and luck ....this undefinable void that it filled. I love, love, love the Potter books and I rather love JK Rowling. I think they're very good stories. But do they warrant the epic universe spanning hysteria? No. I think it's similar with the TwiBooks. The explosion is so disproportionate to what it is that luck and fairy dust must have been involved somehow, too. Ya know?

AND TO END ON A HIGH NOTE, YOU CAN MARCH IN THE ZOMBIE SHAME PARADE WITH THE BEST OF US! :D

God. I'm so freaking glad you read them. I was going to um politely beg you to do it, because I thought this whole thing would be even more fun if you could read the source insanity. SO YAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


me:

Okay, and so continuing with the main THRUST of our conversation, let us discuss further the implications of a male vampire protagonist who has been described -- repeatedly, and ad nauseum -- as being, literally, like marble, and thus the ways in which this may have an impact on the aforementioned male vampire's honeymoon night. I AM NOT PROUD OF THE POINTS I AM ABOUT TO MAKE.

1) Redefines the hard-on YES! Seriously, did she think this through? Because wouldn't it be like fucking the statue of David? I...am just saying....

2) And also! Does it...erm...grow? Because it can't very well be...flaccid. But then again...OMG UNCLEAN UNCLEAN UNCLEAN WHY DID SHE HAVE TO PUT THESE THOUGHTS IN MY BRAIN I HATE YOU FOREVER SMEYERS.

3) Lastly, if the vampire fluids are all venom...please don't make me finish this thought. I just don't understand why the...consummation didn't immediately vamp Bella. OMG WHY IS THIS IN MY BRAIN FUCK YOU SMEYERS FUCK YOU.

Zombie shame is now my excuse for anything and everything.

But that is not enough, oh no. WORD WORD WORDY MCWORD ON JACOB FOR SERIOUS. It's bad enough what he does to her -- and that her dad is all "high five Jake" WTFBBQ -- but then! He manipulates her over and over and fucking over!! AND guilts her into kissing him, and forces her YET AGAIN OH GOD THE RAGE, but I completely snapped when Bella is all..."Jake was right, I did love him that way". OH THE RAGE I AM ALSO *ASPLODE* WITH YOU. Fuck you SMeyers fuck fuck fuck you. OH GOD THE RAGE. (Although I actually kind of loved Edward's reaction right after Bella returned to her house with her broken hand and he found out what Jacob had done. The way he delivered those threats to Jacob were a thing of beauty. BUT OF COURSE LATER HE FORGAVE HIM AND NOW CONSIDERS HIM A SON FOR HIS IMPRINTED DAUGHTER OMG A WORLD OF ICK.)

Regarding your additional points of literary discussion:

1) Point taken about HP, too. I think they do share that "main character as everyman/woman" quality, and that's got to be a major factor in their appeal. HP, I think we probably agree, executed this far better than Twilight (although Twilight certainly does accomplish it well enough, considering the series' popularity), but also, more responsibly, in that yes, it allows the reader to self-insert, but then challenges the reader with very real dilemmas that they'd face as that character.

2) Yes, yes, yes. (Also, Terry Pratchett FTW.) Both HP and Twilight have tapped into some kind of zeitgeist that was a matter of timing and luck, and that's totally where their popularity goes from success to insanity. That's the big unknown that publishing/entertainment is always talking about, that kind of lightning in a bottle they're always trying to generate but that no one can really consciously create.

IN CONCLUSION. Our Zombie Shame Parade needs a flag. Also...I think I will come out of the closet in coming days. (Although it seriously cracks my ass up that you were going to beg me to read them and here I had done it anyway, and if I'd waited to either read them or to confess to reading them, I could've had the perfect cover for having read them, that of being A Very Good Friend, and totally looked innocent. SUCH IS THE NATURE OF ZOMBIE SHAME THAT IT WILL NOT ALLOW ME TO SAVE FACE IN ANY FASHION IT TAKES NO PRISONERS.)


cat:

Yay for solidarity in secret ZOMBIE SHAME!!

And OMFG. The points you make? They are my points also! And also, I am snickering at the mere mention of points. BECAUSE PHALLIC HUMOR FOR THE WIN!

1. YES. And I swear to god, I once said to Sarah that exact mofo phrase: "It'd be like fucking the statue of David! No thank you ouch!"

2. YES BECAUSE WHAT FLUIDS WOULD HE HAVE TO ENGORGE IT? Blood? EW. Vampire semen? EW THE SEQUEL.

3. And totally--why didn't that vampirize her?? It all no maketh the sense, because starting back from point 1, forget the bruises all over her body, I can't imagine that being jackhammered at with a billy club would have afforded her any pleasure at all!

And to conclude, I ALSO DID NOT NEED TO HAVE WEIRD VAMPIRE GENITAL ISSUES ON MY BRAIN.

(And as all purpose excuses go, at least Zombie Shame is inventive! Y/Y? :)

Back to Jacob. HISS. So much with the agreement. SO MUCH. TO ALL OF THAT.

Lit things:

1. Yes, I agree--that at least Harry Potter went forth and learned and tried and you saw that process of what a good person would reasonably do and that didn't involve deciding to screw over everyone who had ever loved him and become a monster because of some crazy phermonal heroin(e) addiction to a broody stalker!

Our Zombie Shame Parade needs a freakin' newsletter!



And thus, the Zombie Shame Parade Newsletter was born*.

I expect this term will get much usage in the future. Indeed, I don't know how we've survived this long without such a term, as I can think of other instances in which it would've been a handy term to know. For instance, my entire fascination with the anthropology of fandom (i.e. fanthropology) and need to expound on it periodically is the very definition of the Zombie Shame Parade, and that's after all what got us here in the first place.

Note that the nature of the Zombie Shame paradigm is that while you remain a lolfan, and have no more affection than before for the original source material that first fascinated, you have still been infected. That is, after all, the nature of zombie viruses. Once you succumb to the Zombie Shame, you join the Parade. The Newsletter is a way to spread the infection communicate your findings to others and share your research for the betterment of fandom humanity.

I mean, there's no question that the Twilight series is utterly ridic, and yet here I have not only written about it in some capacity over the course of three posts in two weeks, but I have seen the movie and read all the books (UNCLEANNNNNN). Again I say: WHAT THE HELL WHAT THE HELL WHAT THE HELL.

Answer: Zombie Shame Parade. That's the only excuse I will ever need again.



*(Although, notably, not by chewing its way out of its mother's abdomen, which is something that does actually happen in the Twilight series. No, I am not kidding. No, seriously. SRSLY. Yes, these books are classified "young adult". Yes, this will be made into a film someday. I am...secretly looking forward to that day. I will be the lol-iest of the lolfans that day, I can guarantee it. Zombie Shame Parade, you guys. Zombie Shame Parade.)